Due to my post natal depression i cant remember what love feels like- I loved my baby and my boyfriend and made sure i looked after them both but i would stress about every little thing and wouldn't enjoy them. At the time i thought i was enjoying them but i wasn't. I didn't love my love my life but i didn't hate it either. I just got on with it...
That's what i've been doing for the last 10months- plodding along. I would do the normal household stuff and then it would be bedtime. That's it- everyday. I wouldn't have time to play or didn't feel like i wanted to but somethings changed..
Since being diagnosed with PND, i am falling in love again. You don't know what you have till you think you'll loose it. The last few weeks have been so hard- some days i didn't think i would get through them and i felt alone and lost. I didn't appreciate my life before but i do now.
I'm starting to fall in love with my life again and most importantly falling in love with my little boy all over again. I want to play with him- I don't stress about mess and don't stress that the housework and that the tea isn't cooked in time.
I look at him now and can't believe how amazing he is- Hes my world and i love him more than anything. While i was suffering in silence with PND i would look forward to bedtimes and naptimes so i could get the housework done- i liked a tidy house and i couldn't relax until the house was spotless. I loved him before but not in the same way as i do now, i'm looking forward to what the future brings for me and my little guy. Now that i've realised what my actual priorites are, i can work on making my life happier and my son.
I want to work on sorting out my relationship with Alfies daddy- I didn't appreciate the good things he would do. The bad would just stick in my head- i couldn't find good in anybody but now i realise i am also partly to blame for the relationship breakdown. The PND made me argue with him and have a go at him for silly little things. In reality he did a lot for me and his son- he works all week to earn money to put food on the table and clothes on our backs. I know i need to get this sorted, i miss him and need to prove i love him and i am changing.
PND is a horrible mental illness as we don't have control over what we're saying and how we feel emotionally and however hard we try to snap out of it we can for a little bit but the demon creeps back up on us. For months i tried to make myself happier- and i would but then something would happen and i would fall back into that place i was in. If you think your suffering please speak to someone- our babies deserve a happy mummy and daddy.
If any of you would like a chat i'm over on twitter (@MummyBaby_Blog) and you can email. Don't suffer in silence like i did. Its not just you that its affecting- Its your whole life around you too.
A big thank you for all your support too :) xx